Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: responds poorly to authority
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”
Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.