16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I wanna be friends with this person
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house