@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority

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@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

@tat2dsoccermom

My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.

@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

@Piecezilla

Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

@Auzzie78

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.