Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
You Might Also Like
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer