Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

The days of good grammer has went

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

Just how popey was the pope today?

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies