I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
#parenting
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
But wait…
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.