INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO


*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.


When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed


One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.


Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.


My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money


In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.


me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs