@caithuls

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

You Might Also Like

@JilliBearr

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

@Bob_Janke

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

@LaptopShopWH

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

@haolegurl808

One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@zachreinert03

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

@roxiqt

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

@GrantTanaka

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs