INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
no
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence