INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
This classic never gets old . . .
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
you have three unread messages
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I bet
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.