interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”