Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
is this because i’m from new joisey?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.