interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Barbie gone wild
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”