INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Feel. He’s so soft.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*