Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either