Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Snapes on a plane.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
When you kidnap a writer.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
i will not be silenced
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.