Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea