Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Can Happiness buy money?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder