Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
how it started vs how it ended
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x