Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
i made a craigslist ad !
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
🤣
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