Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.