Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
one last job
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
So creative 😂
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?