Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Beware of fowl play.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”