We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
PMS: You okay?
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I got expelled from school on pajama day.
It’s not my fault I sleep naked.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”