Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
You Might Also Like
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.