Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*


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We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore


(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.


You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..


If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.


PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.


Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.


Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.


You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math


I got expelled from school on pajama day.

It’s not my fault I sleep naked.


“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”