My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?
ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.
Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.