Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.