My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
There are usually two types of merchants.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO