@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

You Might Also Like

@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok

@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

@bornmiserable

[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@GorillaNipples1

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

@Babasnookie

At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.