Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

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Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok


32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.


[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today


FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.


At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist


Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”


I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.