Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
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[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist
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I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.