[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
You Might Also Like
In Soviet Russia, tired joke format tweets YOU.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My ideal woman:
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc