@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

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@TheHyyyype

[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@karanbirtinna

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

@mommajessiec

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

@jnrbtsn

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.

@torrami

Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.

@seamusmckracken

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

@ElKnuckelhombre

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again