@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

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@notalogin

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

@ArfMeasures

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@Stellacopter

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

@FauxFawx

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

@LlamaInaTux

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc