PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know
ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.
Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..