[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You Might Also Like
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I am never leaving this website
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Okay, I’m still confused…