Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.