Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal