Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

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Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…


Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.


I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.


“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.


*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo


When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.


Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.


My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.


[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”


If you’re still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.