@MelvinofYork

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

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@skedaddle74

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

@bwebster76

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

@LipstickSpice

I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.

@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.

@Bratterina

*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo

@LizHackett

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

@babyblue0924

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

@Jake_Vig

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

@aksorojas

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

@juliussharpe

If you’re still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.