Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar