interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.