Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

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BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT


Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.


Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.


This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister


those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat


My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.


*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone


As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.


‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’


[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]