Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.