interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
#parenting
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700