@malt_skull

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

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@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

@rebeccaheckyea

2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. “What if the laser pointer is just a projection?”

@100DollarChill

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?

(??_?)

Tell your friends”

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

@WowYoureFunny

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?

@daemonic3

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

@theregoesrichie

If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.

@FattMernandez

I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.