INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
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[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
me hooking up with my ex
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.