Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.