They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[at a wake]
WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]
ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.