interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad