I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/