@caliluvgirl77

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

You Might Also Like

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@IamEnidColeslaw

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

@Michael1979

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

@jordan_stratton

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

@Schmoodles

A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

@donni

Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/