Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance