@Vodkantots

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?

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@tyrannees

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

@BuckyIsotope

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

@krisv_723

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

@Staggfilms

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

@dadopotamus

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

@3sunzzz

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”