[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
You Might Also Like
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.