Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”