Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor