Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Great Canadian literature.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere