interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?