Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Teach your children to beatbox
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR