Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I hope they boil the right one.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.