Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.


You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again


I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.


In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.


Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.


[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for


If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.


dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave