Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.