@ayyyyloser

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

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@Cheeseboy22

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

@Mr_Kapowski

You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again

@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@liltiddygothgf3

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@jonnysun

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo