Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
honestly, i need both:
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
FRED: right
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.