Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
look at me when i’m typing to you
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all