@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

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@underchilde

Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?

@PharmerRPh

Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

@realHamOnWry

I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.

@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@JustDontBugMe

M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@Rollmaninoz

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.