Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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Judge: “Reason for divorce?”
Me: “Reconcilable differences.”
Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”
Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.