Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.