Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️