Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*