me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
just pretend nothing happened
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*