interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
You Might Also Like
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
It’s a gift
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life