“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST