@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you

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@Emperor_Laykes

One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@RandomAntics

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.

@KeetPotato

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

@Gooooats

By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

@PinkCamoTO

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.