just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated
Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.
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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I live on the edge
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive