@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

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@WGladstone

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

@Donna_McCoy

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

@NicestHippo

WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]

@sixfootcandy

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

@BoomBoomBetty

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

@WilliamAder

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(